Loneliness: Call Me

 

91912498_10222144340382493_3938847763369820160_n
Awakened Arts: Call Me Anytime

 

Sometimes the damage of rejection can have roots that run deep. I have had seasons of extreme loneliness. Many times, it had been a lingering feeling of not having a place in the world. The mind can play games when you have a lot of time on your hands. The silence can be your biggest enemy.

Often my loneliness had been my own making. I have hurt others by canceling plans due to my illness. I understand their frustration, it would break my heart to cancel and the lies start wreaking havoc about my worth. So then I would not make plans, and the invites never came.
Also,  I am not one to love talking on the phone, in fact I cringe at the thought. I get anxious about the onslaught of sensory overload that inevitably follows phone conversations. My form of communication is writing, or time together, but not everyone works the same way.

Society teaches us to not invite ourselves. And I have done the inviting more times than I can count, only to sit back and watch everyone else gather time and again without an invite. I have traveled 8 hours twice to go spend time with a friend, only to have them unable to go 10 min out of their way to come see me when we were in the same town, they rather take a picture of a building (their bucket list item), than allowing a few minutes for a quick hello and hug as they passed through. It has hurt extremely deeply. And the enemy would use these moments to attack, the remembrance that others didn’t want me, and actually preferred I didn’t exist at all, would ring loud in my head after every new rejection.

There have been times I even voiced my loneliness to others, to only receive empty stares back at me or a nod of understanding but then weeks of silence followed. Even if I was unable to do, the invite would have been a treasure.

I have beaten myself up with lies that I am unlovely and unwanted.  I surely must be annoying or boring or any other ‘thing’ that would keep others uninterested in spending time with me by their own choice, would fill my head.

I even ordered a book titled: Uninvited- Lysa Terkeurst which I have yet to read as I lost it in some transitions.

Imagine my surprise, when a friend heard my words, “I am lonely”, and acted on them. She heard my cry and invited me to coffee.
She shared her own seasons of loneliness. And admitted that the Lord told her if you are lonely do something about it. This truth touched my very core.
I had been letting the enemy lie to me so much I stopped reaching out. I was waiting for everyone else to notice me, in a world where sometimes, this just does not happen.
To see someone so charismatic, beautiful, fun, well-loved, talented, gifted and all other things lovely, to deal with being lonely was a shock to me.

It was a few days later the Lord had revealed a life-giving truth to me.  When loneliness rises up, it is often a tugging and call from the Lord.
He wants to spend time with us. Loving and healing us through our inner hurts. He wants the opportunity to sit in His presence. It is in those moments with Him that I have been given hope, peace, joy, healing, and revelations. It is in those moments that I discovered my identity. I discovered that I am wanted. My pain has melted away and new life rises up.
When I get so wrapped up in the fact that I am sitting in silence and the invites are not coming, I miss the most important invite of all. He tells me I can call anytime. He is there and faithful to seek us out. To draw us near. And meet us right where we are at.

One of my favorite scriptures ‘rings’ so true at this moment.
Jeremiah 33:3-  Call to me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things that you do not know.  

We are now in a season where loneliness is knocking on our doors. We can not reach out and gather the way many of us value. We can’t busy our thoughts of isolation away. It is the forefront in our mind.

I want to encourage you this day my friend. Call to the Lord, ask Him what new treasure He may have for you. What hidden truths does He want to bring to light? How can only He fill the innermost needs in your life that are missing?

The time will come, we can be busy, social and all the good things fellowship brings. This is a time to call on Him, like never before. There are so many great things to discover.

I am spending time today…. just calling…listening and enjoying.
Here is a song to enjoy in the journey. Call Me 

 

His Spirit

33248955_10216228639453667_8634740846178074624_n.jpg

I am a child of God. I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. I have been baptized in water and in His Spirit.

Joel 2:28
It will come about after this that I will pour out My Spirit on all mankind, and your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, young men will see visions. It’s the spirit of God that has impacted me as a child.

 

My first memorable experience with the Spirit of God, was when I was just a little child.

I had a dream that Jesus had come in the sky from heaven. He was wearing white. There was a line of people waiting for Him. One by one He was taking people clothed in regular clothes, He would pass them through a shield and they would ascend to heaven, clothed in white robes. I was one of the people in line.
I woke up with the Spirit of God all over me. The dream has stayed with me all these years.

When I was in my 20’s at church, the Spirit of the Lord hit me and I felt led to a scripture in revelation. Imagine my surprise that the dream I had all those years as a child was described in God’s word!

I have had moments of His presence in my life in so many areas. I have known things only God could have told me to share with others. They would ask, “how did you know!” where I would answer, “God’s Spirit told me”.

I have been supernaturally healed in the presence of God. Three sons births testify to the Lord’s ability. The word says by the stripes of JESUS I am healed.

So what is going on now?

I have been going through health struggles, and some days I can hardly walk across the room. Dizziness is one of the most bothersome symptoms. When I am in worship and the Spirit of God hits me, I can dance, spin and rejoice. There is no pain, there is no dizziness. His Spirit pours out.

The spirit comes like a rain, touching my mind and renewing the dead dry desert. Spending time in His presence I am overwhelmed by the goodness of His flood.
Washing away the fears, the past, the anger, illness and the weight of this world.
There is nothing but peace, comfort, me and my God.

I ask myself, what is the trick to walking in that thickness of His presence all the time? Is it possible or does it hit so much stronger with a corporate body all seeking and worshiping together? Most likely it is because I fill myself with things of this world more often than I sit at the feet of His throne.  I let the stress and grief overwhelm me before I come to His throne, then look to medicine to fix it.

I pray and worship daily but do I REST in that outpouring of His Spirit, no.

I must remember my roots. I must remember the gift the Lord has given me in His Spirit. The opportunity for wholeness, for I was created to worship Him in SPIRIT and in TRUTH.
Being in the presence of God is the opportunity for a renewing of my mind and body.

Lord forgive my distractions. I worship you because you are worthy, you died and saved me from my sin, but the reward in that worship is astounding. You are SO good to have given this gift to me.